You go on two or three great dates and then…all of the sudden your usually sensible self spirals with endless questions. You want ALL the answers now!
Is this one THE ONE?
What did she mean by the last phone call?
Is he dating someone else?
Why didn’t he call back right away?
Did she misinterpret that last text I sent?
And then the “what ifs” start:
What if he’s not into me?
What if her job will be more important than me?
What if my family doesn’t approve?
What if…What if…
We need answers and we need them right NOW!!!
But why? What thrusts us into a tailspin of panic and hopelessness that leaves us delusional and causes a budding relationship to wither?
We need to know immediately if this is our lifetime match! We’re not going to waste ANY more time on “the wrong one”- not one more minute! And if we are older, there is no wait time left! The clock is ticking.
OUR PAST EXPERIENCES
We are not going to be played again! No way! We are going to figure it out first and get out, before it is too late! Ha! We will win this one!
How do we trust anyone’s intentions anymore? What are they up to? Is this person really into me? What is in their past? Wouldn’t it be great to have a resume, background check, list of goals and aspirations and references all by the second date?
THE NEED FOR SPEED
This feels so great! Therefore, we want to get all in and move fast. Turbo Speed! Why wait? Date 1, 2 and 3 all in 3 days! We are even imagining our future together and fantasizing about where we will be living.
Diagnosis: Fear of FALLING in Love
Not only do we get in our own heads, we try to get into theirs as well! Holy $#@xyz! What are we doing? What did we do with all our time before? What happened to our sane selves?
Now we are exerting and spending all this time “figuring” things out, discussing all our preposterous scenarios with not only our friends, but family, coworkers and yes, even the neighbor. Let’s get everyone’s perspectives! We may even keep asking till we hear what WE want to hear. We become consumed by emotions ranging from fear to disbelief and frustration. This process is not a path to love and happiness!
Let go of control…we cannot control how a relationship will unfold. We cannot rush the process of getting to know one another without sounding like an interrogator and acting like a lunatic.
Get back to your previous life. Do not let this consume you. It is not healthy and looks very unhealthy, if not totally crazy, to the other person.
Relax. Breathe. And ENJOY! Replace anxiety with excitement for the dating process. Don’t pressure yourself, your date or the time frame. You get to meet new people and see new places! Trust the process without focusing on any specific outcome. You just may be pleasantly surprised.
Clearly, if something feels very uneasy and your gut tells you this is definitely wrong, then yes, get out! If boundaries are broken or safety is an issue then yes, end it! Safety always comes first. RESPECT is non-negotiable.
Otherwise, let things unfold naturally.
Be yourself. Be positive and be calm. Get back to your life. If you don’t really have one, then take this as a wake -up call to GET ONE! It is not the other person’s responsibility to entertain you, complete you or fulfill you. Find interests, hobbies, new places to visit, continue education, get fit! It is all about balance. The more balanced and healthy you are mentally and emotionally, the more desirable partner you will be and the more suitable and worthier person you will attract!
The RX: Stay cool, calm, and confident!
If you are in a good place…things will flow. You will not be preoccupied by the distracting details. You are too busy being AWESOME! When you are balanced and happy, you will not have time for the non-suitor. You will recognize signs earlier and walk away easily! Only the best contender will prevail. YOU are the great catch!
If you’ve found yourself in these patterns of self doubt and endless spiraling, then maybe there is a need for some self work. We can help! Absolutely!